29.8.14

更快樂

大一的時候剛跟那時候的男朋友分手
有一陣子好難過
朋友怕我想不開於是把我拉去參加團契
不知不覺也就持續了半年
其實我常常很遲疑
我無法相信上帝的存在
但另一方面我希望祂是存在的
這樣我就不會那麼難過

不可否認宗教都有著勸人向上的力量
但我內心深處覺得自己並不是那麼軟弱
我相信路是人走出來的
曾有人跟我說 很多人覺得自己很堅強
但很多時候突如其來的空虛感會把自己淹沒
我太理解她說的那種空虛感了
因為無數個日子我就是被那樣的空虛感包圍著過的
我從電話簿裡的A翻到Z 沒有一個電話是我能打的
然後我練習帶著不安跟難過入睡
因為知道第二天醒來就好了

我上個禮拜在台大誠品看了幾本書
講的是道德的表象與真實 以及反社會人格
我們很多時候做著看似充滿道德的好事
在別人眼裡是很好的很有道德的
但這件事道德與否其實取決在做的人的態度
壞的事情可能參雜好的意念
就像好的事情會由不正當的理由構成是一樣的

富有責任感是好的 可是我想在對別人負責任的同時也對自己負責任
每個人都有自己的問題要去解決
我無法解決你的 你也無法幫我解決我的
林肯說過 大多數人只要決心活得快樂 就能得到快樂
我們時常被事物所牽絆
被過去牽絆 被責任牽絆 被自怨自艾牽絆
你快不快樂其實是自己給的

不要因為害怕遭遇最壞的便拒絕接受最好的
也不要因為覺得好的不真實而不去珍惜


22.8.14

看事情的態度


一般人想到核能發電可能就會聯想到核廢料及污染
想到基因改造食品便會聯想到不健康
想到鐳射手術便會聯想到副作用

還記得高一的時候寫過一篇運用基因改良食品解決饑荒的essay
詳細寫了什麼我真的不記得了 但大致上記得一些
基因改良食品的好處包括改善食物的品質 增加生產量
使食物能在較惡劣的環境下生長 抗蟲害並減少農藥及其他化學物質的使用
可能的壞處則包括破壞生態平衡 產生新的蟲害 安全及道德上的問題

我是念會計的 對能源醫療或是生物科技是一竅不通
我無法斷定這些到底是好還是不好
但是在沒有證據證明他們不會產生副作用的時候
我們都會保險起見選擇不去接觸

核能其實是最乾淨的能源之一 但是在核廢料能夠被妥善處理的情況下
我想只有少數幾人願意家旁邊就是核能發電場
因為對於核廢料的處理及相關傷害我們還不是很有信心
為什麼在台灣多數人都覺得有機食品好 因為台灣的有機農業發展得很純熟
純熟到能給我們足夠的信心
為什麼鐳射手術出現過後還是很多人不願意或是不敢去做
因為術後副作用的發生率會根據病人的狀況 醫生經驗及醫療設備而改變
當然也有無數成功無副作用的案例
我覺得這些議題都有類似的性質 因為未知所以人們害怕或是不願接觸

回到根本 發展基因改良食品的需求是什麼
是增加農產量解決食物供給問題 還是改善基因減少化學農藥的使用
知道了需求是什麼 我們才能知道基因改良食品有沒有解決根本的需求
食物供給的問題也許不只是因為食物不夠 更是因為貧富差距及分配不均
而這些食物又真的會確實的幫助到那些沒有足夠食物的人們嗎

我知道超市裡大多數的食品都已經是基因改良
但是我們要想想 這些東西被驗證出無害的根據是什麼
是以動物做實驗還是以人做實驗
發展基因改良的過程必定是困難的
基因改良食品所實驗的地方會不會破壞到當地的水源生態甚至人民健康
很多我們看不到聽不到的東西不代表不存在
就算看到了聽到了也不一定都是正確的
大多數人認為對的也不一定是對的
我們每個人都應該培養獨立的思考能力
在現代社會 人們的食物知情權其實是被剝削的
我們不知道吃到嘴裡的食物是怎麼做的怎麼來的
有沒有基因改良是不是真的有機 我們都被蒙在鼓裡

我並沒有要抨擊任何一樣東西或是技術
也知道發展科技的道路是艱辛的 會有很多跌跌撞撞
要有實驗才會有成果 但是我希望這過程是公正的是道德的
我所要表達的只是一個看事情的態度 不是我看這些事情的結論
說實話我連加了很多防腐劑的泡麵珍珠奶茶都常常吃了
基因食物算什麼呢 人活在這世上本來就沒必要活得那麼講究
多活十年也不會比較快樂 依我的個性應該會無聊死吧哈哈

2013暑假

















今天看到了去年自己去柬埔寨時寫給自己的信
讓我想到去年暑假發生的事
我想去年暑假應該是發生最多事情且讓我感觸最深的一年
沒有留在學校修學分 四月底就回台灣

去了英法自助 我以前很喜歡法國的 第一次去大約十年前
去了巴黎 普羅旺斯 覺得法式料理好好吃 法國好浪漫
但這次又去一次 發現還是台灣最好
也許有些人抱怨台灣政治好亂薪水好低
但是我們有24小時的7-11 有腳踏實地的精神
北大法律系劉媛媛曾說 我們要做一個不走歪路的90後
改變整個世界很難 但是我們不要被這個世界改變
因為總有一天世界會是我們這群90後的
等我們長大 一定不要成為我們小時候討厭的那種大人
然後世界便會因為我們的存在而變得更好

每個人都會死 但是沒有人知道是何時
也許是今天 也許是十年後
有一個很棒的朋友離開了我們
我才真正體會到生命是很脆弱的 是離我們很近的
人都說死亡結束的是生命 但帶不走我們心中的你
可我需要的並不只是在我心裡
而是真真切切能在我們每次聚會都出現
聽我抱怨大小事的你

然後我去了柬埔寨 連續七天的震撼教育
顛覆了我的世界 原來做志工並不都是滿滿的成就感與快樂
在我看到身邊的情況並沒有因為我而改變多大時
我開始懷疑自己的價值
我覺得無力 覺得資源永遠都不夠
幫助了一個人 還有一百個人在等待幫助
我清晰記得分發物資的時候 有一個小女孩拉著我的衣角似乎想跟我說什麼
我不敢找翻譯 害怕她想問我的是為什麼別的人有但是她沒有
我也記得我們穿著雨衣帶著帽子口罩到垃圾村發米
看到他們在垃圾堆裡尋找可用的物資跟食物
我這輩子做夢也想不到真有人住在垃圾堆裡
在做家訪的時候 老婆婆哭著跟我們說自己沒有能力養孩子
如果有人願意收留孩子 她願意把孩子送給別人撫養
每一天看到的每一幕都像一顆顆名作無力感的炸彈
然後我才發現 真正被幫助的是我
我總是逃避不開心的 只願意看到好的一面
但是真正積極的人 應該是不管看到多不好的一面都能正向思考
好多人做善事做志工 也許只是為了給自己成就感
覺得自己是個熱於助人的好人
但是這趟柬埔寨之行讓我學會看到事情的現實面
如果即使很難過很辛苦很無力但還是願意繼續做下去
表示這件事情真的是你想要做的事
其實人類所需的物質真的很基本 我說的是需不是要
只要能吃能穿就夠了
最後一天在當地小學跟他們道別
小男孩跑到巴士旁邊笑著跟我揮手
在那瞬間我真的覺得這是我這趟旅程最大的收獲之一
因為真正的開心真正的笑是無價的






















回來之後去福岡打工換宿
讓我學會用不同的角度看日本人及韓國人
以前總是覺得日本人好有禮貌好親切
可是其實也有個性很直臉很臭的日本人
以前總覺得韓國人很排外
但是也有願意努力跟你溝通教你很多事情的韓國人
我們常存在很多似是而非的觀念
人云亦云或是一竿子打翻一條船
有句話說當成見為事實時便不是成見
但這些成見也許一開始就不應該有
在我們想被他人如何對待時 便應以同樣的方式對待他人
每個人都是個體 他們來自一樣的國家 但不代表同一個人
希望自己真的能做到 並一直朝這方向努力

7.7.14

To 我的小寶貝 :D

Hey 小寶貝, I hope that you will never have to read this post, because it means that something is bothering you or you are not happy. But since you are here, take your time to read the post, please excuse my grammatical errors as most of the contents were written during nighttime.

To others who have access to the content of Amy's blog: This post is meant to cheer Amy up, but if you want to read it, go ahead (contents can be a little cheesy at some points).

Once again I am sorry for invading your privacy and taking a peek into your past. As you know, like a true scientist (who is going to win Nobel price before he is 22), I am a curious person and I always want to learn more about you (or I am just a insecure MoFo).
You are currently studying for your mgt322 +eating your freaking froot loop cereal (I hate it, no offense)and I am just here sitting beside you pretending to care about my mgm 101 exam (lol I totally don't and I am going to fail, GG~~~~ ).
Anyways, all of the above is irrelevant, as this post is meant to serve a greater purpose.
I understand your blog is where you post about your personal feelings and it is also a channel for you to be in touch with your good friends. However, I have noticed (during my 100th readings of your blog) that it has some negative contents and every time you read it, something seems to trouble you.
Well, that is why this post is here, because I am here to change that, and I hope the next time you open your blog, you close it with a smile on your face (because you look amazing when you are smiling and I love making you happy).
I won't always be physically beside you, so here are some tips to help you feel better when you can't reach me or when you prefer to have time to figure things out by yourself.


 1. Encountering the problem
Like this picture is suggesting, why are you unhappy? what is bothering you?
(If you miss 陳安迪 too much please proceed to the 快樂旅遊section and relive our happy dates.)

Perhaps you are having a horrible day in school/internship, or having a bad dream, or having some unpleasant thoughts. I know sometimes it is easy to be influenced by stuff that is unimportant at the moment and it can be really hard to get the negative thoughts out.  So it is really important for you to give yourself a "break".







2. Escape For a Minute 
Although people say that you should face your problem face on, but sometimes it is okay to "hide" from your problem (I know this sounds totally irresponsible but please finish reading it). These are the activities that help emptying your mind and help you achieve better mood.

Exercise: Nothing is better than exercising to make you feel better. Go for a swim (by the way, you look really good in your swimming suit), go for a jog or you can play table tennis (please go easy on your opponents, don't kick their ass to hard). Bike riding is also a great way to exercise!

There are also other escape method such as watching your new favorite show, "How I Met Your Mother" !! (Trust me, watching it will make your day a lot better!) Or you can watch some doctor show or "we just got marry." The main point is that you should try to relax your mind, and don't over think too much about it. There are plenty of time for you to figure out the solution later :)


3. Facing the Problem
 It will be nice if we can escape from our problem forever, but sometimes we do need to face the problem. This is no easy task, and it takes a lot of courage for people to acknowledge that it is time to face the problem. It might be about things that have happened a long time ago or things that are happening right now. It might be big or it might be something small. But if it bothers you, then you need to make a decision as to how to solve it. After you finish step 2, you should now have a clear mind ready for some problem solving.
There is no perfect solution to any problem, and in the process of making a solution, you might lose things/people that are important. However, it is important that you make that decision as indecisiveness can often lead to secondary problems or hurting more people.


Problem solving techniques:
Your IQ is over 146 (sorry I forgot the exact number), so you should have no problem solving any problem. However if you do, this is the my problem solving steps.

-Priority: Understanding your priorities can help with the problem solving process. Sometimes we are faced with a dilemma where all decisions result in a loss. However, if you understand what is important to you then making the decision wouldn't be that difficult (對自己好一點,好好照顧自己).
-Cons/Pros: make a list of the possible outcome and advantage/disadvantage on the decision you are about to make. Assess those carefully and make a decision based on your priority.
-It is not easy to think of a solution alone, so don't be afraid to seek help. You can always tell me your problem as I said before, "當你開心的時候我可以不在你身邊, 不過當你難過時請讓我陪你."
I understand that it might be a little difficult to talk to me about everything and that is okay :)
Here is a list of people that I think will give you valuable advice.
 -阿賴: I know he is currently in the military, so he might not be free most of the time, but I am sure he will always make time for you. From what I heard + all the information I collected from stalking/ privacy invasion, he seems like a reliable person, and he knows you really well. He might not have all the solutions to your problem, but I am sure he is a great listener!
-阿銘: I don't even know whether or not I type his name correctly. Honestly, I do not know much about him, but from my understanding he is a dedicated person and usually this type of people is quite reliable.
-阿齊: ummmm, he makes some debatable choices sometimes, but I am sure he is willing to help out with your problems :).
-Celine, Jia Yen& Tammy: I don't really know much about them, but I am sure they are very supportive and they seemed like really nice people (the way they talk are really cute).
-SGCEF: Okay, I know, this one sounds kinda funny given the stuff that has happened within the fraternity over the last few months. However, I still do think that some members are really great. Gluttony can be a little judgmental and you guys often fight over the little stuff. I was really lonely yesterday, so I talked to him a lot. He is a really good listener and he is really good at making people feel better for some weird reasons. Sloth can be a little detached from time to time and Sloth is really cold towards me. But Sloth loves talking to you whenever a problem in her life arises. I think that means Sloth really trust you and she is a great person. She might not have the solution to everything, but I think if you are willing to open up to her, she is willing to listen.

-Your parents: These two people are the people that love you the most and they are the people that have been close to you for the longest time. I understand there are something that you can't or don't want to tell your parents (I always have trouble talking to my dad about anything). But understand that your parents love you, and they will continue to love you no matter who you are. They might yell at you for a few minutes or they might nag you for a day or two, but by the end of the day, they will still be there to support you and they will still be there to listen to your problems.
Also your mom has great understanding in many areas, so I am sure she can be a great help (I am not being sarcastic, by the way if you have time, please talk to her about GMOs).
Since your dad is the gang leader, he can probably ask his underlings to solve your problems (Just kidding, but from what I heard, he is a forgiving father and he always try to make sure you are fine.)
Remember, your family loves you <3
-Andy (Friend Mode): This guy is only 19, he is a little immature, makes weird noises when you talk, sings random songs from time to time, doesn't talk too much about himself, likes to over think, insecure from time to time, like to invade other people's privacy, watches a lot of inappropriate videos, sometimes not very reliable, loves CMS.
Ummm, my point is that he might not seem like the most reliable person to talk to and he can be a little insensitive. But trust me, he is a great listener and he will try his best to help you come up with a solution. If not, he will still take you out for a walk and that might help you clear your mind up. Remember this guy really wants to know all about your problems, although some problems might be painful to hear for him, but he promised you that he will always be there to listen.
Here are his contact information: 6476487222, andy50319@hotmail.com, and his facebook+ skype account is online most of the time :)

I hope by this point, you have found a way to approach the problem you are facing. Below is just something for you to read and who knows, it might cheer you up.

To 萱,

This part is my personal message to you, and it contained a lot of things that I have said and stuff that have happened. I hope that I have written this portion of the blog a little earlier, before you get on that plane, so I don't have to feel so alone right now. Anywaysssssss, enjoy my little message to you :)


First of all, I want to thank you for being the first girl to ever say "yes" to me. I know I am not the most romantic person in the world, and the way I asked you out was a little awkward (I promise I will make it up to you one day). Everything that we have done together, our first kiss, the first time you hug me, the first time you told me you love me, our first date, our first CMS, our first firework, those were really memorable moments for me. Even the first time that we had a big fight or the first time you farted in front of me, those moments were really special to me. You are one of the best things that has ever happen in my life, you make me so happy for the past three months. I understand that our relationship had a rough start, I was too immature and you have not yet open up to me. I admit, some moments were painful for me, I have never felt so hopeless in my life. You said that on our white paper there is a big stain, you said that it will be there forever. I agree with you, the stain is there and it is standing out from the white background. But, I like to think of it differently. Sure the story wasn't perfect, but we wrote the story together so regardless, it will always be special for me and hopefully, for you too. I believe if we continue to write, eventually we will have too many pages for us to even notice or remember the stain at all. I know that the metaphor I used is really bad so I will write it differently:  I accept your past, because your past is what makes you the woman I love so much today. I love you and I love you for who you are.
I love you a little bit more every single day, and I am really grateful for all the things that you have done for me. I remember those nights when I was having trouble breathing, you were always right next to me. I am a selfish person. I know I can be a little demanding from time to time like asking you to not use your phone and I often have ridiculous request. So it made me really happy over the last 2 months to see that you barely touch the phone, and I will always cherish our time at the Niagara Falls (sorry Annie).
I really miss you right now (by the way, I found all the hidden sticky notes, I love you).
There are a lot of things that I want to write here, but I will much rather say those things to you in person.
I hope during the next two months, you will be spending quality times with your family, with your friends and I am sure you will learn a lot from the internship.
Also, I hope during the next two months, you can clean up your stuff and do some thinking about what you want in the future. I hope by the end of your vacation, you will be finished packing up, because I am ready to go on a long journey with you. Most importantly, I will be waiting for you.

I love you 小寶貝

陳安迪



-------
Timeline & 快樂旅遊:

I have short-term memory, you have short term memory so I just think this might be helpful to keep track of the all the things that have happened. Maybe by looking at the text and the picture, you will think of our fond memories, and hope that will bring a smile on to your face.
(I am not done yet and I will continue to work on it. Feel free to add anything to the timeline.)

The way that we got together was a little weird, yet it is always sweet in my mind, but let me start from the beginning. Thanks to Yikai, we met each other and has the chance to get to know each other. To be honest, I never expect myself to fall in love with you as I have this weird expectation for girlfriends (has to be studying science). I remembered the first time we went out for dinner, I remember seeing you cry, I remember not knowing what to say/do, and I remember being an idiot and asking Annie to give you a hug (I was not that good at comforting people). The next thing that I have a clear memory of is that every time we go out and eat, you and Yikai would just be talking non-stop with each other. I also remember that you guys try to join the group by not sitting too close with each other.

Halloween: As a group, we were trying to find a costume together, so we went to Wal-Mart but we end up not finding anything that we like or is within our price range. But I do remember taking a really cute picture together with you, and I think that is the first ever picture that we took together (You are such a cute little bird). I remember that me and you wanted to go shop for costume one more time the day after, I am so sorry for not going with you on that day :(
But overall, I had fun during the Halloween party and I still had the devil tail you bought for me <3.
I promised that next Halloween, we can go to the same party again, but this time we can put on couple costumes.
 







9.4.14

信任以及原諒

我其實還沒有遇過真的讓我無法原諒的事
事情發生的當下我是這麼想的
以前無論發生什麼都覺得可以再次信任身邊的朋友
然後這次我發現好像很難
不為已經發生的事情生氣或是難過
只是難過自己無法再如此信任你
其實心裡面有很多問號
不知道為什麼你會選擇去做那樣的事
不知道當下你是怎麼想的
不知道為什麼發現做錯了之後不告訴我
也不知道你默不作聲是不是就算我再也不理你你也無所謂

然後我想到Andy跟我說他當時心裡面只想了兩個問題
一個是為什麼我要騙他
然後就是我值不值得
他很認真地跟我說他很生氣也很難過 但是我值得
每個人都有不小心犯錯的權利
犯的錯誤可大可小
可以是無心也可以是有意
但是我非常確定你不會有意的去做傷害我的事
我發現不管你這麼做的原因是什麼
只覺得你是一個值得我再次信任的朋友
也是一個我不願意離開的人
能這麼想的時候 感覺自己是真正的放下

我們都在傷害別人以及被傷害中漸漸成長
跟你相比
那些傷害其實是微不足道

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其實我最近壓力大到快爆走了哈哈哈哈哈
然後事情很多做不完考試複習不完的時候就特別容易發生鳥事
禮拜六跟阿賴講完skype之後還以為自己會傷心很久
可是現在感覺心情好很多
(應該是因為書念不完沒時間想太多哈哈)
禮拜五有兩個考試
然後下禮拜一考完Auditing可以稍稍放鬆一下
想去吃豆腐鍋以及到Erindale park散步
希望到時天氣能很好

考完final大概有接近三個禮拜的假
如果沒有申請到工作的話有點想去montreal玩玩
不然就在家宅到發霉感覺也很不錯
(沒開始考就在想考完要幹嘛這樣對嗎xD)
這兩天接收到好多正面能量
有時候不必分擔不必傾聽
只要看到你們的臉跟你們說到話就覺得很開心


5.2.14

分類

我很討厭被別人分類
也很討厭隨隨變變被下定論
國中的時候功課比較好的都會坐前排
我還記得我每次都是坐在第二排
黃懷寬坐我前面
當被別人歸類為成績好的學生時
就不會理解到這樣分類其實很傷人
其實在認識某個人之前我從來不會在意一個人的成績好不好
從來不會關心別人的GPA或是被四大錄取
不會因為一個人英文不好就覺得跟他一組會很累
我覺得我慢慢變成了自己很討厭的那種人
一直以為已經過了容易受朋友影響的年紀
但是很多影響都是自己發現到的時候已經過了很久

在來到加拿大之前
我從來沒覺得自己會因為黃皮膚而被看不起
然後我慢慢深刻理解到我們小時候就學過的道理
己所不欲 勿施於人
如果我們先不去尊重別人
別人也不會尊重我們
沒有誰該抱持著莫名的優越感
不管你來自哪裡

其實今天發生了一件讓我特別難過的事
有一個人在我心中一直是個好人
然後有一天他做了一件壞事
我告訴他這件事很不好
然後才突然發現他好像一直就是會做這種事情的人
因為是特別好的朋友然後感到特別失望
但是我憑甚麼認為他是好人然後因為他沒有達到我的期望而難過呢
說到底我有甚麼權利把自己的標準套在別人身上